Δ

Δ - symbol of change

I miss the way life was before last semester. I look back at the pictures of my family and I at Disneyworld for my birthday, and I always miss how happy, how carefree, how wonderful we were. I took life before last September for granted.



I curse myself everyday for the poor decisions I made. I can't look at my parents without feeling a pang of guilt for hurting them the way I have. I thought staying busy and being more involved at school would help me take my mind off things, would help preoccupy me. It doesn't. It makes me miss my family even more. I thought I would enjoy this semester being an active. I don't. I see my parents struggling with the idea of me being out late or out doing who-knows-what. I cry every time I leave the house now because of how my mom begs me to stay home and how I have to leave no matter how much I, too, want to stay behind with her. And the work I'm doing, frankly, doesn't make me happy.

I think it's a bit strong of me to say I regret the changes I made last semester. But, I just wish it was different.

Current music: Vienna Teng - Lullaby for a Stormy Night

Can't spell 'friend' without an 'end'

Props to my friend and psis Melissa Prompuntagorn for the title.

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about maintaining friendships. I'm so disappointed to say that I have lost several really good friends in my past. Lost one of my favorite friends quite recently too, which prompted this whole reminiscing thing.

I've made mistakes in the past. Who hasn't? I've said and done things I shouldn't have. What I also make sure I do, though, when I've made a mistake is I fix it. Or at least try to, especially when it comes to apologizing. I'm a big enough person to admit when I am wrong or when I've misunderstood (and people who can't need to grow up). But if the other simply can't take that apology for whatever reason, I shrug my shoulders and move on. In my opinion, there are very few actions in this world that are simply unforgivable or that can't simply be explained/clarified, so when someone wrongs me and apologizes, I don't find it hard to forgive and move on. Now, I don't forget because these mistakes are very important in life, but I won't hold grudges. For example, if you tell someone a secret I only told you and you apologize/rectify the situation, I'd forgive you, but I'd think twice before telling you a secret.

My best friend taught me to say what I feel and think unapologetically. I usually try to do so in a nice way, but sometimes I slip up and, when I realize I've slipped up, I apologize. I think in my way, when I apologize, I sort of hand myself over to you. The ball is completely in your court. But whatever you do with it, I'll survive. I've done the best I can and have no regrets. I might have messed up before, but if I tried to fix it or tried to clarify, then I feel that I've done what I can and that's that. It's not exactly the same thing as "I don't care if we're friends or not", because I obviously do care - that's why I apologize in the first place. It's more of a "Okay, well I don't really understand but I can't force you to think otherwise." It's more acceptance than dismissal, I suppose.

Friends come and go. That much is clear. But I always prefer to have friends go on friendlier terms. It certainly can't be the case every time, but I can sure try. And that's all I can really do.

Current music: Lady Gaga - Boys Boys Boys

Sorority Row

I think this is the topic that's brought up the most often when I talk to non-Greek friends, especially old close friends:

Why the FUCK did you join a sorority?

Middle school and high school colleagues of mine would testify that they NEVER in a million years expected me to come out of my little shell. A sorority? That's the most non-Beth thing you can do!

True, it was the most non-Beth thing I've done (well, barring one incident last year that I won't get into). Angela Lopez (yeah, I'm naming you), a high school acquaintance whom I rarely spoke to during all four years of school together, had shoved a flyer in my hand and told me to come by just to check them out and there will be yummy homemade cupcakes. She caught my attention with the cupcakes. Plus she said I'd be doing her a huge favor. So off I went - to get my cupcake. I sort of shuffled my way through the interview, down the line for food, said hi to people whose names I forgot as soon as I turned around. Some days later I was given a bid, and I figured, meh sure. Why not? At this point, I had no idea what a sorority was (or a bid, for that matter). I struggled through the process, did what was asked of me, raged every day about how this was the most stupid fucking thing I've ever done, and cried a LOT.

I made it through and now have a nice little profile up on the sisters page of the website (like how I threw that in there?). In retrospect, it wasn't THAT bad. Time-consuming, sure, and a helluva lot harder to join than, say, the premedical society where all you have to do is shove money at the officers. But when I look at what I've gained out of a mere eight weeks...I feel that it was worth it, especially for the experience and the feeling of accomplishment. I bonded with five-and-a-half (Melissa, you are half) total strangers brought together from all corners of the campus to undergo eight weeks of processing. And I'm amazed by what each of my pin sisters had to teach me and by the stories each of them told.

After crossing, I've gotten to know so many of the girls I wasn't too fond of last semester, and I absolutely love them! For a group of 20 girls, I think we actually get along pretty well personally and professionally (at least from what I can tell).

As a junior member of the sorority, I guess I kinda miss the close bonds I felt with each pin sister. We've grown apart. We do a lot more work and frankly I no longer feel a sense of accomplishment after we do our assigned tasks. If I thought last semester was time-consuming, it's no comparison to being an active. With MCATs and family messes, the sorority is on the bottom of my priority list, and I kind of feel upset at myself for not being able to put in the same amount of effort into the sorority as others are. People are dedicating and sacrificing so much for the sorority that I feel like saying, "Hold up. Is it right to be doing that? Because honestly, I don't feel comfortable putting the sorority before my parents, my job, or my school." If people are doing that, isn't that what they expect from me? Should I just quit now?

I might just be thinking too much into it. But joining a sorority has had its pros and cons. I think it'll get better once I finish (and ace) my MCATs when I'll finally have the time to socialize. I really want to apologize to my non-Greek friends who think they haven't seen much of me lately because of the sorority. Yes, it's true that when I'm actually out socializing, I'm with the Sigmas. But I'm only allowed out every so often and for a certain period of time - I want to use these opportunities of freedom to get Sigma requirements out of the way. It'll change once I've taken my MCAT (:

As far as changing my personality to become a Sigma - that allegation is bogus. I have changed for the better in a social aspect, though I'm still improving. But you'll see that I'm still very much myself. I still hate parties and loud music so you'll rarely see me at a club (unless it was required). My IQ hasn't dropped any points. My GPA is still high. I still make goofy comments. And I still like to consider myself a good friend.

Current Music: Justin Bieber - Baby

The Ramblings - Revival Cast

Thought I should start blogging again just to practice putting my thoughts and feelings in words. I used to be so good at describing everything I felt and thought - now I feel rusty, especially after my recent careless words hurt someone who means a lot to me.

Also, I thought it would be a good place to start matching a personality to a name. It's so hard nowadays, with all that technology can offer us. And while reading someone's blog isn't really a good substitution to actually talking to someone face-to-face, I guess it's a good place to start. To reciprocate, I'm going to be reading my friends' blogs and notes too. Experience has taught that, for some reason, some people are more honest in their writing than in real life. Maybe it's because they don't ever think people will read what they write and they feel there's safety in using a (public) blog. I suppose I feel the same way about this - no one would truly read it, and it's only for my sake. It's a rather peaceful thought. I've gone back and read (and hid) past posts, and they make me feel interested in holding a conversation with past-me.

But I'm rambling.

I remember I stopped blogging because:
1. I didn't (and still don't) have the time.
2. I didn't (and rarely do) have anything worthwhile to blog about.

But this seems therapeutic in some romantic way. And everyone knows I could use some therapy. I suppose I won't be posting regularly - maybe I'll post tomorrow, maybe I'll post five months from now. I also probably won't be posting about every little thing that I did today. I never really bothered reading posts like those.

So yep. My introductory post as the rambling anorexic panda.

Current Music: Train - Hey Soul Sister <3